You Can't Handle This Boredom

I'm not a very good blogger. Probably because I don't really have a direction...this blog is really just the ramblings of a sometimes bored, sometimes lonely woman. So I apologize to anyone that actually reads this.

Random thought for the day:
I used to be a night owl. This began as a child, when I would stay up as late as possible reading whatever Babysitter's Club book I had on hand. Not even early morning seminary could get me in bed at a reasonable time. Freshman year, I had class at 8 the first semester and work at 8 then next. I missed that class a lot, and my kind teacher would call me and see how I was. I was late to work fairly frequently and, well, my supervisor was a bit less kind about it. I would later blame this on my thyroid, but...even on the meds, I stayed up rather late. Skip ahead to summer, 2012. It's nigh impossible to stay up late every night and wake up on time to get to work by 5:30 to open up and cook breakfast sandwiches. Years later, I still struggle to stay up past 10:30 or so.
Now, I'd like to think that my early-to-bedding helps me get up earlier in the morning. Alas, it does not. Curse getting older and all that jazz.

Since you're still paying attention, here's my discourse for the day:
Happiness is a choice, my friends. I'm sure you've all heard that a lot (I know I have). Easier said than done, you say. Here's the thing: you're not always going to be happy. You'll be sad, angry, frustrated, stress, or just plain down. But if you choose to just be a happy person, you will be.
It takes some effort to stick with this decision. It helps that I'm up close and personal with some gorgeous, majestic mountains. It's easy to see the beauty in this world of ours, and it makes me happy. Seeing happiness in others makes me happy. When I get things done, I'm satisfied and happy. My husband makes me happy.

What makes you happy?

It's been a long time

Over a year now, in fact. Life has taken me away - and yet, it seems less in many ways. I got my highest college GPA this past semester, but at the same time, I went for months without worrying in my journal, days without washing the dishes. I let myself become addicted to my perfect little tablet, wasting endless hours on Facebook, Pinterest, reddit. Sometimes I'll draw a picture or do something else creative, but it's really an empty life. I have found some peace in meditation, but it's hard to clear a mind full of distractions.

Recently, I've felt the old dreams stirring within: dreams of a simple life, devoid of mindless "entertainment" and full of passion for life. It's funny, though, that that mindless entertainment is what really inspired me this time. Earlier I came across a blog post by a woman passionate about homemaking. It inspired me to find joy in creating a clean home, small though it may be. I hope to cultivate that love within myself.

I've spoken of my love of Star Trek before. Well, I just watched the episode in which captain Picard is trapped in another life on a more primitive planet. Captain Picard is the epitome of a renaissance man, with knowledge and interests spanning many fields; he knows a little about everything, and he's passionate about all of those things. In this episode, he uses that knowledge to live a simple life, but a life that involves science experiments and creating music. Picard spend much of his days tramping through the wild. He even learns to love a wife he didn't know, and creates a beautiful life with her.

This episode really inspired me. I cannot spend all my time in the woods of Utah or charting stars through the smog, but I can live more in the moment. I can choose to live the life I'm in to the fullest rather than on the couch on my tablet, or worse, in class on my tablet when I should be learning (although sometimes... A professor is just rambling on a tangent). I wish it were spring, so that I can appreciate nature more fully, but for now I can enjoy the tranquillity of the falling snow, or the sunrise on the white shoes of the mountains.

It's so easy to fall into the habit of monotony with all the distractions available to us - a life of passion takes a conscious effort. Dreams take work. A life well-lived can be a thing of beauty; we just have to search for it.

New Waves

It's been a while!
New things:

Not only did I start dating someone shortly after my last post...but we're engaged! Kyle Bryant and I are going to be married on December 14th. Crazy, huh?

My freshman year, I made some goals for my life. Every once in a while, I'll think of them, but not really pay attention. They were an 18-year-old's goals, after all. What were they? Well...

• Get into BYU Singers
• Have children
• Get married to the "perfect man" in the Newport Beach, California Temple
• Gain Eternal Life
• Live in Southern California
• Have a guy sing to me
• Be thin
• Go to space
• Spend December in Germany
• Graduate from BYU
• Knit a sweater
• Be in a musical
• Fly

Added later were:

• Revolutionize education
• Found a town

While some of those are a heck of a lot closer than they were four years ago, none of them have actually come to pass. A lot of them aren't quite as important to me anymore, as well. 

Will I get into Singers next year, my last year at BYU? Probably not. However, I'd much rather graduate next year than make time for something that, while I know it would make me happy, isn't worth the time and money anymore. Kyle is perfect, for me, and we're getting married here in Utah (something I certainly never wanted), and I'm fine with that. Eternal life is a rather long-term goal, and living in California will probably never happen - and I don't really want it to. I doubt Kyle will ever sing to me, but I love him just the same. Maybe one day I'll be "thin," but I really just want to be healthy. Go to space I wanna go to space space spaaaaaaaaace. Probably not going to happen. When we have more money and time, perhaps Kyle and I will go to Germany; I'd certainly love that. Graduating will happen in a year and a half! Finally. I can't stand knitting, so I doubt I'll ever knit a whole sweater. I'd have to start singing again to be in a musical, and as for flying...maybe one day.

My last two goals are simply idle dreams and ideas of a suspended college girl, never to come to pass. There are more important things for me to do with my life.

And so what are my goals now that I've (almost) achieved that goal every BYU freshman girl longs for - marriage? A little more different, a little more focused, a little more Kyle.

• Be the best me I can be
• Always be a student
• Have children with Kyle
• Serve a mission with Kyle
• Graduate!
• Visit Germany with Kyle
• Be a great mom
• Teach my children to sing and play the piano
• and, of course, gain Eternal life

Veritas

Last week, I said that I wanted to research and better build my own beliefs in a variety of topics this summer. I mentioned a discussion we had in my English class last term about truth and moral relativity, and I realized that, even with moral relativity, my views tended to waffle. So, I figure that the first week should be about that very subject: truth.
I hadn't originally planned to talk about truth this week. I considered it, but it wasn't definite until I was reading in Alma 37 the other day. In this chapter, Alma speaks of the power of truth - God's truth. Verse 9 speaks of the power of this truth, as the truth spoken in the words of the prophets had the power to bring thousands of Lamanites to repentance. Only God could create a book so full of truth that no man can dispute rightly, a book for the convincing of all mankind of Christ, written by ancient prophets with only a basic idea of its destiny. It has become a singular pillar of truth in a world where much truth has become lost.
Many these days would have you believe that there are no moral absolutes, the only true absolutes being in science,  unchangeable natural laws. But are not the laws of God unchangeable natural laws as well? For millenia, there was no question that murder is wrong, that fidelity is right, and that debt should be avoided unless completely necessary. Yet somewhere along the way, we began to decided that many of those things should be left to the individual to decide. Yes, everyone should have their own beliefs, but there are truths that are unchangeable, no matter what you believe.
The other day, I had an interesting conversation with a friend about where the morals of America have come to. He mentioned that it was ironic that the generally held belief is that polygamy, the legal marriage between one man and multiple woman, is wrong, whereas marital infidelity, while not necessarily desired, is ok, understandable, and sometimes, encouraged. What makes it better to cheat and go behind a spouse's back than to have multiple spouses that know about and approve of each other? This is not to say that either I or my friend approve of polygamy - I think that sleeping with any number of people beyond one is wrong. This is just an example of where we've gone a bit off the path. You can't have both be right. It's illogical.
We in America are generally a compassionate people. We try to make everyone happy, or at least as many as possible. We want to help...it's a large part of the foundation of the social side of liberalism. It's what makes the idea of moral relativism so appealing - everyone's happy. The thing is, we can't all be happy all the time. Nobody's life is perfect. And there are truths that we simply cannot change.
The best thing anyone can do for happiness is to learn to accept those truths as absolutes, and realize that we make our own happiness. If someone is unhappy about this, that, or the other thing, it's really their problem. We can serve them and love them, living within the truths of God, and not make everyone happy with our actions, but we cannot change someone's happiness - only they can.
I guess, in the end, I'd rather argue and learn truths with everyone than be a member of the ever changing, do what you want, moral relativist crowd. Some things are right, some things are wrong.
Blue skies.

Summer Plans

I just got on Facebook...zero interest there. I saw one of my friends posted an interesting article, but I pretty much scrolled down then deactivated my account again within 2 minutes. It's just a waste of time (for me).
I finished school for the term today, so tomorrow is the first day of my summer "vacation;" i.e. working from 5:30 am until 1:30 pm without homework to come home to. I have two months to do whatever I want...before 9. What shall I do with this ample free time so that I don't waste it reading like I really want to do?
Well, a few weeks ago in my Persuasive Writing class we talked about this fireside by Elder Dallin H. Oaks and the increasing trend towards moral relativity. During that discussion, I realized that I either didn't know where I stood on a lot of issues, or else I didn't feel that I had a strong enough foundation to support my views. When I read things online, I just take it all in, accepting what sounds good, and immediately rejecting that which I disagree with. I live in my own little Mormon bubble, where I have occasionally disagreed but have generally held to the traditionalist beliefs I was raised on without question.
I don't like that.
It's not that I want to change my beliefs...obviously I think it's all true, and it isn't really my religious beliefs I'm evaluating here. I want to learn enough about the world to be able to form those arguments I learned about in my class without having to completely find out where I stand. I want to learn about myself.
And so, every week, I hope to spend some time researching and learning about various topics then writing about that experience on here. I want to develop my own ideas, similar to back when I used to write about things like education or the internet. I don't really know what topics to choose right now though...I suppose that will be part of the process each week. Any suggestions though?
Blue skies.

These Days

It's been a few weeks now.
Well, yesterday I started the first day of working at 5:30 am every day...when I went to bed last night, the light was the same as when I woke up this morning: just enough light to change the black of night to a deep, rich starless blue. I guess I never see night that way? I love the stars too much for that to last forever. Working from 5:30 to 1:30 makes for long days, but it's not actually that bad. I just keep busy, keep going, not thinking about how long I've been there. At least I get two free meals! We get to eat the leftovers after the efy kids leave, so I got both breakfast and lunch today - which was especially good because I was so exhausted from working and studying and paper writing that cooking any more was out of the question, so I ate ice cream for dinner. Dairy, right?
I'm currently "studying" for my Music 101 final...i.e., vaguely listening to music in the background while trying to remember this particular violin concerto is Brahms. We'll see how successful that is, but hey, I'm waking up in less than eight hours for another day of work, plus two finals and various other errands.
My life is pretty uneventful right now, since I pretty much just work, sleep, and read. I do occasionally hang out with people and decide that sleep just isn't worth the time it takes...then I remember how tired I am. Thus, most of my socialization happens at work, with the various people that come in for their varying shifts while I am varying degrees of exhausted.
So Winter semester my freshman year I worked for BYU Catering, making food for events at the Skyroom restaurant in the Wilk, as well as contributing to the various stores in the Cougareat. I worked 8-12 every day, and for whatever reason I had the hardest time getting up for that (I can't even imagine why now). I would spend my shift making calzones or grilling chicken or whatever, and my boss would make fun at me because I apparently always looked depressed. I probably was depressed at that point. This week I've apparently adopted that same face again, as my supervisor has mentioned it a couple times to make fun of me. Must be something about the lack of sleep...it tends to leave a frown on my face. But life is good, it's time for sleeping. The sky is almost that shade of blue again.
Blue skies!

Goodbye Forever

Yesterday morning, I deleted my Facebook.
No, that's not true; I deactivated it. But the point is the same.
I've just been reading so much for a paper I'm writing about why things like social networking and texting hold us back from forming real relationships, as well as a number of things talking about how we should get rid of the things from our lives that distract us from our purpose. A quote from a talk by Elder Dallin H. Oaks that we read in Sunday School yesterday reaffirmed my decision:

Consider how we use our time in the choices we make in viewing television, playing video games, surfing the Internet, or reading books or magazines. Of course it is good to view wholesome entertainment or to obtain interesting information. But not everything of that sort is worth the portion of our life we give to obtain it. Some things are better, and others are best. When the Lord told us to seek learning, He said, “Seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom” (D&C 88:118; emphasis added).

Along with my banishment of Facebook, I have been trying to spend as much time as possible away from my phone and other types of electronic media for at least an hour at a time these past few weeks. I try to take a walk every day, with nothing more high-tech than my keys to keep me company. I live next to a park, so I usually take advantage of its convenience and spend some time lying in the cool grass, alone with my thoughts.
I feel so much more free! That ever-present stress of whether or not someone wrote on my wall or sent me a text is [mostly] gone. I thought my social life would suffer, but it's actually gotten better. I'm not saying that there's a correlation between the fact that I've played Settlers of Catan three of the past four days...but then again, I would say I'm more likely to go to activities and less likely to rely on old friends to keep me company. (I still love my old friends too, don't worry!)
I'm going to admit that when I saw Hunger Games the other day, I didn't like it very much. I thought Avengers was pretty good, but not as great as I might have once. I'm just not as interested in these hours of pure entertainment. I like to think! I'd rather watch Amazing Grace than Iron Man most days.
Now, I'm not saying that everyone should think the same way I do...but there is something liberating in detaching myself from all the noise of being "connected."